Cheese Touch!

I went to my daughter's school the other day to have lunch with her.  I do this once or twice a month and she and I both look forward to it.  She loves it because she loves when I show up at the school and I love it because I love seeing my daughter and I still like school pizza.  Yes, I go visit my daughter on pizza day at school.  Her whole class gets involved.  Some days the boys want to arm wrestle me.  Other days I'm the audience for "Look at this" which involves various tricks in the line of "look what I can do."

So this particular day I was enjoying my daughter and my pizza when I was introduced to the "cheese touch."  I was in the middle of a deep conversation with one of Abby's classmates about the merit of eating Fruit Loops without milk using a fork when all of a sudden my daughter reached over, touched me with her finger and declared, "Cheese Touch!"

She could have declared, "Monkey sidewalk running bubbles!" and it would have had as much meaning for me.

"What does that mean, honey?"

"It means you have to keep your fingers crossed so you don't get a cheese touch" is what she said.

Wait, what?  That doesn't help me.

"Monkey sidewalk running bubbles."  She could have said that and given me exactly the same amount of information.

All I knew was that I had to keep my fingers crossed as I ate my food so as not to contract what I could only assume was an incurable case of cheese touch.

We finished lunch and I stood with Abby in line, fingers crossed, while she waited for her teacher to come pick them up from the lunch room.  That day happened to be "wear your favorite sports team's shirt" day and Abby and I were wearing Pittsburgh Steelers shirts.  Me, because that is my team.  Abby, well, because that is my team.  My wife asked me to send her a picture of the two of us so I got out my camera.  One thing led to another and before I knew it her whole class was involved.

She went back to class and I went back to wondering what a cheese touch was and how I could recover from it.

Now I realize that I am a man in his 40's who doesn't really care that much about pop culture so I am out of the loop on what is popular or trendy.

For example, I was chatting with a teenager from our church the other day as they were waiting to leave for a weekend retreat.  She had sprained her ankle and in the course of conversation she told me that she felt like a "non-functioning, tasteless noodle."

What?????

Once again I interjected my standard question, "What does that mean?"

"It means I don't have any sauce," she said.

"Monkey sidewalk running bubbles." is what I heard.

Being disconnected from teenage cool, I had to probe deeper.  I had to ask her if that was a teenage subculture thing that they all understand or just a teenager flourishing in their spiritual gift of randomness.

It was randomness.

While I may no longer be in the same zip code with what teenagers are into, I do have a secret decoder ring at my disposal...Google!

Google serves me well when I come across things that I don't get.  For instance, Google helped me understand why it should be even remotely interesting to me to find out What Does the Fox Say?

I assure you it still doesn't matter to me but at least now I know why.

Anyway, back to the cheese touch.  After using the secret decoder ring I learned about the cheese touch.

Here is a short video to explain:

Having the cheese touch is like having "nuclear cooties!"  I love that line!

I learned that the only way to avoid it is to keep something crossed!  So that is why I had to eat my pizza with my fingers, or eyes, or legs or something crossed.  Heaven forbid I leave the school with nuclear cooties.

Nuclear cooties.  Now I'm relatively sure none of you are probably thinking, "It bet that is in the Bible!"

But I believe it is, kind of.

Matthew 9:20-22, Mark 5:25-34 and Luke 8:43-48 all record the biblical story of the "cheese touch."  Only it is the story of the woman with the issue of blood.  She had been bleeding for 12 years, had seen every doctor she could and had spent all of her money trying to recover.  Problem was, in that society she would have been ostracized for having that infirmity.  In essence, she had nuclear cooties, she had the cheese touch.  Having done everything she could to fix the situation she turned to Christ.  She wasn't looking to pass it on, she was looking to be free.  She touched the hem of His garment and was immediately made whole.  Her bleeding stopped.  Jesus turned to look at her and told her that her faith had made her well.

It didn't take having her fingers crossed but rather one touch from the Man who would die on the cross for her to be healed.

So what is your cheese touch?  What is that thing you just can't seem to get rid of?  Take it to Jesus.

Isaiah 53:5  But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities;  the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed.

You Are More Than Welcome!

So I went on a Daddy-Daughter date with my 6 year old, Abby, the other night to McDonalds.  It seems that McDonalds is the origin of all kinds of randomness that I feel compelled to write about.

We get up to the counter, Abby and I order and then it happens...I tell the lady at the cash register, "Thank you" and she responds, "You are more than welcome!"

I'll admit it, I have said that very same thing.  But think about it, what does that actually mean?

If you are more than welcome are you welcome and a half?

Is that like being welcome with a coupon or a rebate?

At McDonalds, I would think it should mean something like, "You are welcome and here is a free ice cream cone!"

"Why am I getting a free ice cream cone?"

"Well, its because you are more than welcome, of course!"

The world would be a better place if we got a bonus for saying thank you.

I can think of some places that I would love to be "more than welcome:"

The bank

Pizza Hut

Thanksgiving dinner

The bank

I love the concept of being more than welcome.  I just wish people really meant it when they said it.

The concept is actually biblical

 Romans 8:37 says, "Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."

 (NKJV)

We understand the concept of being a conqueror.  Engaging a foe in battle and coming up the victor!  That's the stuff great action movies are made of.  

Personally I have been quite the conqueror for many years.  My family loves engaging in a spirited board game now and then and I have often been the victorious conqueror.

But what does it mean to be more than a conqueror.

To be more than a conqueror means that we reap the benefits of the conqueror without the risk or cost involved in conquering.

I have never been a huge boxing fan but there was a time that I did take a passing interest in it.

The 1984 U.S. Olympic team was hugely successful.  Of 12 possible medals, the U.S. won 9 golds, 1 silver and 1 bronze.  

Oddly enough, the lone bronze medal was won by the boxer who ended up being the most famous...Evander Holyfield.

But it was the silver medalist-Virgil Hill-who stoked my interest.

You see, Virgil was from North Dakota like I was.  So I followed his career.  He was truly a conqueror.

I imagine his bouts went something like this...

Virgil got in the ring and went round after round, dispensing and receiving blow after blow.  At the end, battle weary, Virgil's hand would be lifted in victory.  He would stand in the ring, the promoter would hand him an envelope with a check containing the victor's share of the prize purse.  He would hold the check up, pry open his swollen eyelid and look at the amount and smile, knowing he was a conqueror.

But his wife, Carla, she wasn't just a conqueror.  Virgil would hand the check over to her and she would smile knowing she was MORE than a conqueror.

She reaped the benefits of victory without having to endure the pain.

We too are more than conquerors.  Christ endured the pain of the cross so that we could be the recipients of His grace and mercy.  No pain, all gain!

It happens like this, we realize that we are lost in our sins and need a Savior.  

Christ Jesus forgives our sins and cleanses us from all unrighteousness.

We say thank you.

He says, "You are more than welcome!"

Guarding the Hair Products

So the other day my wife and I made a trip in to Target.  As is our tradition, she goes to look at girl stuff and I go look at clearance stuff.

We usually reunite somewhere between electronics and the movie/music section.  We loiter for a while, fantasizing about overpriced lawn furniture before meandering toward the food.

Somewhere in the next few aisles I will get bored and defect back toward electronics or maybe into household items.  Clocks...I like clocks.  Especially the really big ones that take up too much space on a wall.  I also like the picture of the United States map made out of license plates.

After a text or two sending me on a fact finding mission or object locating junket we reconverge near the household cleaning products or the toilet paper.

This particular day our travels had us looking for cheap clearance items we could give our daughter for Christmas as stocking stuffers or other gifts thereby extending our gift budget AND raising our status on our daughter's hero meter.

It is about this time during our Target adventures that we relocate to the health and beauty section, only this week I was sent ahead as an advance scout.

I'm not really sure what she went to look for but I know I ended up with the directive to go to the hair immobilization and follicle concrete aisle.  As my eyes began to glaze over and my eustachian tubes began to narrow I remember faintly hearing her say something about switching to a different brand of mousse for our daughter's hair.

Being the good husband I try to be, I arrived at the outpost and began looking at the myriad of hair products available to me and I quickly came to a realization.  I am standing alone in an aisle full of products, of which I am mostly unfamiliar with their use or application.  Spritzing, curling, moisturizing and thickening all scare me so I will not be making a selection.  This is outside my strike zone.  All I am really able to do is compare the cost of the items which I'm convinced is the last measure my wife will consider, let alone implement in her selection process.

The truth is, I have no decision making authority in this arena!

My wife has not yet arrived so in essence....I'm guarding the hair products!

I'm not sure why or from whom.

Why was I sent here?

I would never send her to the woods to bring back a moose so why am I in her domain trying to bring back a mousse?

And seriously, I'm over 40 years old and have had the same hair style as long as I've combed my hair. Well, that is with the exception of the brief "part it down the middle" phase from college.  But everyone experiments in college....right?

No authority...just guarding the territory.

I begin giggling somewhat quietly to myself.  (This accomplishes nothing except possibly scaring off other female shoppers who wonder why the guy is giggling to himself as he clearly guards the hair products for his wife.)

So what is the spiritual lesson in this?

Here it is:

As a child of God there are promises given to me in His Word that I have every right and authority to walk in.

I am who God says I am regardless of how insecure I may feel, unworthy I may appear or how often I have failed in my attempts to follow Him.

I know that no weapon formed against me shall prosper. (Isaiah 54:17)

I am an overcomer by the blood of the Lamb AND the word of my testimony. (Revelation 12:11)

If I confess my sins, He is faithful and just to forgive my sins AND cleanse me from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)

Etc., etc., etc.  The list goes on and on.

It really doesn't matter if the enemy of my soul is standing guard with no authority over the things I want and need as I walk with God.

As a child of God I am entitled to all of God's promises!  The only authority that matters is God's authority.

I'm going to live my life unafraid!  That guy giggling to himself in the aisle, guarding all the spiritual goodies God has for me, can't stop me.  He can only try to stand in the way.  Truth is, he realizes he has no business there whatsoever!  Once I know that, he is powerless!

What Is Your Penguin?

So how did I end up selling candy bars in the men’s bathroom?  

Well, I’m glad you asked…Penguins!

What?  You need more explanation?  

You see, I have a 6 year old daughter!

Six year old daughters go to school.

Principals aren’t stupid.

Schools need money.

Fundraisers make money.

Schools have a built in fundraising sales force.

Children don’t care about raising money for school.

Children love cheap, achievement based prizes.

Parents hate selling stuff.

Parents love their children.

Parents sell stuff so they don’t have to see sad eyes and a bottom lip.

The other day my daughter brought home a permission slip we had to sign saying we agreed to turn our daughter into part of her school’s sales force.  The incentive for her is a penguin toy that hangs around her neck on a lanyard and an hour of play time in a bouncy house for every box of candy she sells.

It could be worse, I could be schlepping $7 rolls of Christmas paper or overpriced, under flavored tubs of cookie goo.  At least it is chocolate.  Everyone is susceptible to coco vulnerability on occasion, and its only $1 a bar. 

I remember selling the exact same brand of candy at my school over 20 years ago as a sophomore to help raise money for something so important I don’t even remember what it was for anymore.  I’m sure I ended up eating at least half and paying for it myself.  Or, as it will probably be in the case of this sale, the child ate and the parents paid for it.

 I picked up my daughter from school and she was determined to get a jump on her sales quota so she brought them in to work with me.  I work at a church with a daycare so she immediately started hitting up everyone she saw.  She decorated the inside of the box to help drive sales.  She then proceeded to stand out in the hallway with several candy bars in hand trying to draw people into her sales speed trap with her cuteness. 

I headed into the hallway only to be accosted by my daughter, asking me, “Daddy, stay with me!”

“I can’t honey, I’m heading to the bathroom.”

An innocent enough statement…at least I thought it was.

“Daddy, take some of my candy in there so if you see someone you can try to sell them some!”

WHAT!!!!!!!!  Clearly she doesn’t understand the code of the men’s bathroom.  Talking is discouraged but reluctantly accepted around the sink but conversation stalls as you enter the stalls.  I didn't want to take them but in my daughter’s eyes, there was a penguin at stake.  What was I to do?  So I took candy bars and headed toward the bathroom.  I felt sure I would be alone but knew if someone was in there I would be forced into an awkward conversation at best.  Much to my delight and her dismay I had to turn on the light, virtually ensuring no chocolate sales in the men’s room.

Isn’t it funny how when we are properly motivated, we will go to about any length to accomplish our task?  

For my daughter, all that was required was a toy penguin.  As believers, we are all commissioned, or given the task, by Christ to tell others about Him.

Mt 28:19-20 "Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Amen.

So what is your penguin?  What is it as a believer that will motivate you to do whatever is necessary to accomplish your God given task?

Thank You In Advance

I drove through the drive thru at McDonalds a while back and just had to take a picture.

Does anyone besides me find this just a little bit annoying?  Now I know it is really a trivial thing in the larger scope of life but it still bugs me...and I have biblical support.

Catch us the foxes, The little foxes that spoil the vines, For our vines have tender grapes.
Song of Solomon 2:15 (NKJV)

It isn't usually the big stuff that causes problems.  Its all the little stuff that piles up.

Anyway, that sign was a little fox on that particular day.  I read that and got to thinking, "Wow, that is really just being bossy in a sweet way!"

Let me run that through the "unsugarcoated translater":

"Don't waste my time...have your money out.  And by the way, hang up your phone!  I have a business to run."

I guess it caught my attention that particular day because of another phrase that amuses me:

"I'd like to thank you in advance..."

Once again, just another polite way to be bossy.  By thanking someone in advance, we get to tell them what to do and if they don't want to do it, they come off looking bad.  I mean, come on...I thanked you in advance!

Thank you in advance for putting my stapler back on my desk. (Anyone inclined to borrow it and not return it.)

Thank you in advance for closing my door on the way out. (Anyone who comes in my office when the door is closed, props the door open to talk and then turns and leaves.)

Thank you in advance for picking up your toys, clothes, shoes, insert carelessly discarded item you expect me to pick up later. (My 6 year old daughter.)

In my mind I can see this being integral to an argument between two little old ladies:

"Doris, that hat you are wearing makes your earlobes look fat!"

"I don't know how you could tell, looking through those Coke bottle bottom glasses you wear!"

"Well, I don't really need to see that clearly because your earlobes have always been fat!!!"

"Well, I'd like to thank you in advance for keeping your opinions to yourself!!!!!"

"Well, I'd like to thank you in advance for leaving me alone!!!!!!!!!!!"

Silence as a few moments pass...

In a much calmer tone, "You coming tomorrow to pick me up for bingo?"

"Sure, I'll be there about 9 am."

"Thank you in advance for the ride."

"You're welcome."


To me, one for the most comical things about "Thank you in advance..." is that I hear people use that when they pray!

It goes something like this, "And God, we want to thank You in advance for what You are going to do in this (whatever it may be) situation."

Really?  Are we too busy that we have to pre-record our thankfulness?

What if He answers in a way we don't like?

Do we "unthank" Him in retrospect?

At the end of the day, the sign at McDonalds really doesn't bother me.  More than anything, it draws my attention to the fact that we don't always think through the real meaning of what we say and how important our words really are.

Growing up I always heard, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

That's simply not true.

I have a sign that used to hang in my grandparents kitchen.  It says, "Kind words, how little they cost.  Scatter them freely, that none may be lost."

I used to see that every time I visited and liked it so much that I asked if I could have it.

Our words matter!

Anyway, thank you in advance for your comments on this post!

I Assume You Will Read This

Assumption: something taken for granted, a supposition.

            We make assumptions every day.  I assume that when I flip the light switch the lights will go on.  I assume that when I put my key in the switch and turn the ignition the car will start.  I assume that when my daughter hasn’t seen me for a couple days and I come home, when she notices me sneak into the room, she will drop everything, shriek with joy and come give me a hug that would make a python proud.  And there really is no problem at all with that kind of assumption.  We make suppositions all the time based on our knowledge of how things work, maybe our past history of interactions.  Honestly, if we didn’t make assumptions, we would be completely unproductive.  For example, getting up in the morning to brush your teeth might go something like this...toss something out of your bed to make sure it falls to the ground because you have to know that gravity still works before you swing your legs out of bed.  Get the first leg out and test to see if the second one will follow.  Just because your legs are similar you can’t assume that they will act the same way.  I won’t even get in to all of the assumptions required by walking.  How about testing to make sure your toothpaste is ok and hasn’t been taken by spider monkeys overnight and injected with poison.  I point out a few crazy things to demonstrate that we make assumptions all the time about many things simply because the alternative would leave us productively paralyzed.

            While that may be the case, assumptions can get us in a great deal of trouble.  One biblical example we see is in the life of Jesus himself.  When He was 12 years old His family went up to Jerusalem as was their custom.  When the Feast of the Passover was finished they returned home.  In those days, people didn’t just hit the interstate and make it home in a few hours.  Rather, they would travel in a pretty sizeable caravan for safety.  Luke 2 records the story for us.  It says that Jesus lingered in Jerusalem and His parents didn’t know it.  Why you ask?  Because they ASSUMED He was with some of their relatives that they were traveling with.  Panic began to set in and three days later, they found Him in the temple listening and asking questions of the teachers.  If I just made that assumption and left my 6 year old daughter, Abby, unattended for 3 days, Child Protective Services would be all over me.

            While that was just an innocent assumption there is another biblical example that is much more sinister.  In the book of Esther we are introduced to Esther’s uncle Mordecai and Haman, the King’s right hand man who hated Mordecai.  Never mind that Haman had his position because Mordecai discovered a plot to kill the king and Haman took the place of the King’s eunuch’s who were hanged for their plot.  Mordecai wouldn’t bow down to Haman like everyone else and Haman’s pride couldn’t let that go. 

            Haman plotted against Mordecai and built a gallows 50 cubits high with the intent of hanging him from it.  That night the king couldn’t sleep and so he asked for a bedtime story.  Just happened that the bedtime story they read to him was entitled, “Mordecai Saves the King.”  The king asked what was done to honor Mordecai and found out that nothing had been done.

            Anyway, the next day, as Haman was plotting against Mordecai, the King was planning to honor him.  Here is where assumption does Haman in.  When the king asks him how he would honor someone, Haman assumed the king was talking about him.  If you remember the rest of the story, it didn’t work out so well for Haman.  If you don’t remember the story, you can pick it up in Esther chapter 6. 

              My point in all of this is simply that we must be careful what assumptions we make.  They may come back to bite us.  The definition I started with for assumption is “something taken for granted.”  Nobody wants to be taken for granted.  As Christians, if we are not very intentional and careful, we may take God for granted.  Let me leave you with a test to see if you take God for granted.  Let’s look at the area of thankfulness.  What if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you thanked God for today?  Philippians 4:6 says “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.”  Something to think about!  

"Less"

Today's post is a poem I wrote 15 years ago.

“Less”

I give of my less to the Master,

What I give seems to be afterthought.

Forgetting His best, His Son’s sinless blood,

Is that with which I was bought.

But morning arrives much too early,

And the rest of the day slips away.

I speak of much needed devotions.

Time spent-true priorities betrayed.

I long for much deeper connection,

The branch grafted into the vine.

Spirit is willing but flesh is weak,

Though I feed it most all of the time.

Father, You've revealed you are holy,

Though I know-less with heart than with mind.

Help me give of my best to the Master,

And a life of less “less” I will find.

                                                November 1998